I guess that makes me a rebel

A lot of people don't know the reason why I decided to major in nursing. I was at BYU, unsure of what I wanted to do with my life. Over the course of my first semester there, I heard a lot of people talking about the School of Nursing and how impossible it was to get into. So that's when I signed up-- when I learned it was a challenge, something nearly impossible to do.

Why do I tell this story? I guess the point I'm trying to stress is that I hate it when people say I can't do something. I don't like people telling me what to do. I suppose that makes me a difficult and not very humble person. And when people tell me not to do something, you can anticipate and expect that I will do the exact opposite.

When you're pregnant, it feels like everything is limited to you. Like everyone's saying "no". Now, some of those things are understandable- I mean, Dave had a point when he put his foot down about skydiving. So in a state of pregnancy, I do try to listen to those closest to me when they tell me what to do. "Those closest to me" are my husband and doctor. Sometimes my best friends and mom will get a say, but in generally, I'm sorry guys I'm just stubborn. I understand that every limit given me is for my own safety, but more importantly, baby Mia's sake.

But today my doctor told me it was time to limit my running. I've been running about 3 miles, 3-4x a week. And over Easter weekend, I started to get an excruciating pain in my pelvic area. It literally felt like my pelvic bone was about to split in half. So naturally, I bring this information up to the doctor for 2 main reasons. 1) I'm worried that it might affect the baby. 2) I'm worried that about any permanent damage it will  have on my body and any future running I want to do. Well, I had no reason to worry about the 1st thing-- baby girl is fine and it can't really hurt her in any way. But my doctor told me that this pain CAN injure ME. If I continue to push my body in this state, it could cause an injury that will keep me from running for a very long time- well after I deliver this baby.

Just before this doctor's appointment, I had been discussing my running habits with various family members, including my husband. I was determined to continue running throughout my whole pregnancy, especially since lots of runners have done so successfully. Part of this would mean that I continue running at our Bear Lake family reunion in July (I will be 8.5 months by then). For those of you who encouraged against it, please know that I am not pointing fingers at you or am angry at you. I understood everyone's concern for me and the fact that they didn't want to deliver a baby in the middle of a running trail (which wouldn't have happened by the way, because there IS a hospital on the lake). But I'm stubborn, remember? I don't like people telling me what to do. So I push back harder. After all, it's my body, my business. And after this news today, I feel like there are about 10 people out there who are ready to jump up and say, "I told you so!" And they were right. But it doesn't make this news any easier to bear. And unfortunately, "I told you so's" only make me want to, you guessed it, rebel. Again, it's not because I'm angry. It's because I want to be the only one who can tell me what to do. And it's because I LOVE to prove people wrong.  Pretty sad, huh?

I don't know if anyone I know truly knows how much I love running. It frees me. Whether I'm running a 13 minute mile or 9 minute mile, it feels like flying to me. It's not a workout that I feel like I have to do to stay in shape. I don't dread it in the least. I love it. I want to run. Stress is a hard thing for me to let go of and running just seems to take all my worries away. I can even talk about my stresses while running, but I don't FEEL the stress because my body is happy doing what it's doing. There is a rhythm to my run. One foot and then the other, at whatever pace they want to go. I stop at stoplights, walk when I'm tired, run faster when it seems too easy. It's a very simple exercise where I hardly have to think--I just let my body take me away. So while it may seem like a very silly thing to most people, 3-4 months without running is going to be extremely hard for me. Think about something you look forward to doing, something that takes your stress away, something that just makes you feel like you've escaped. Then take that thing away and that's how I'm feeling right now.

I could possibly be being a little melodramatic about it. I mean, I'm sitting here crying that I can't run for a few months while other people are out there crying about much worse things. And my doctor didn't even say no running period, just not running if I'm in pain (which I fear will be all the time). But my pregnancy hormones are horrendous right now. And even if I didn't have the hormones to blame...just let me have this one cry?  My pride is hurt and I'm extremely disappointed.

Probably the most frustrating thing is that logically, the doctor's orders make sense. The price of running for a few more months is not worth being semi-permanently injured and never running again. I want to protect my body from injury, so I will obey her orders. But quite frankly...it still sucks.

I'm sorry if you all were looking forward to a partly interesting post about my exciting life and you got this pity party instead. I needed to vent and Dave won't be home for a few hours. And I'm sure he will be slightly relieved to know that I got my cry out before he gets back.